


Coming Undone

by Hellokaelyn



Category: NCIS
Genre: Episode Tag: s16e18, F/M, Post-Episode: s16e19 Perennial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:25:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18419012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/pseuds/Hellokaelyn
Summary: Things may not be normal between them, but she's still his safe place.





	Coming Undone

His hands shook even after he was settled on his couch at home.

Nick's own voice echoed in his head, yelling for the kid because he was a  _ kid  _ no matter what he'd done, to grab the gun. That twisting in his stomach as the anger coursed through him, the twinge of fear that he might actually pull the trigger. And if he did..those thoughts of him being a killer, Ellie's words asking if he  _ could have done it _ , would all be true because if he had pulled the trigger on the kid, he really would be a killer. 

After it was all done he exhaled out, a shuddering deep breath. Finally since they got the case he could breathe again, he didn't hurt anyone in his anger. He just had to keep reminding himself that fact.. _ he didn't hurt anyone _ .

Nick with his hands still shaking jumped up and grabbed his keys. He drove to the one place he knew she'd be after he watched her walk out with that plant in her arms. Things still weren't normal with them, the hurt still lingering, but right now he just needed her because if there was one thing he knew, Ellie Bishop was his safe place even after everything twisted between them.

* * *

Ellie was so into putting the soil in the pot with the new plant that she hadn't even heard someone walk in behind her.

“New plants huh?”

With a shout Ellie jumped, soil being thrown in the air and some landing on her. Nick scoffed in slight amusement as he stepped further in, Ellie felt frozen when he moved toward her. His fingers brushed against her as he wiped the soil away. 

Were his hands shaking slightly or was she imagining things? 

“What are you- how did you know I'd be here?” Ellie finally said. 

Nick shrugged. “Kasie asked why you had a dead plant in your house for 4 years, and I've been at your place enough to know there definitely wasn't a dead plant anywhere.” 

“Maybe someone gave it to me!”

He raised an eyebrow. “A dead plant? Really Ellie?” 

She sighed. “But how did you know it was from here?”

“I knew you were cleaning it out remember? And suddenly you come in with a plant that's been dead for years, and it's so important to you-” He shrugged again. “I put it together.” 

His eyes trailed to the new plants. 

“I..Ziva had paid for another year on this place so-”

“She's alive isn't she?”

Ellie froze. His voice was so low she barely heard it, her heart raced in her chest. 

“Wha- what makes you say that? I mean that's insane-”

“Quit the bullshit Ellie.” Nick sighed, he looked so tired that she wondered when the last time he actually slept was. “You've been acting off since the whole Ziva thing happened, the thing you told McGee about secrets before glancing at the picture of him and Tony and yes I noticed, you give these glances at Gibbs as if trying to figure something out, and then the plant. And now seeing that you've decided to continue using this place..that only confirms it.”

“How's that?” She asked softly. 

“You wished to get to know Ziva, to learn from her. This place gives you a connection to her you don't have anywhere else, and you don't want to empty it ‘cause you feel guilty.”

“Guilty? Of what?” There was a slight edge to her voice, a dare for him to say it.

“Guilty of emptying her office like she's dead when you know she's not. Guilty that they don't know she is.”

Ellie chuckled wetly, blinking to keep her sudden tears from falling. Tears of relief because finally she had  _ someone who knew _ . “I always knew you were smarter than everyone gave you credit for.” 

Nick rolled his eyes but his face went serious again. “You don't have to talk about it, but I'm..I'm here.”

“Even-” She gave a little cringe. “Even after what I said? How I acted?”

“Even then.” He said.

Ellie gave in to her urge then. She closed the distance and wrapped her arms around him. He didn't hesitate to return the sudden hug, his arms tight around her. 

It was then she felt and heard it, a sudden exhale of breath like he had been holding his breath.

She pulled back staring at him. 

If it was the first time she witnessed it she wouldn't have thought much of it..but he had been doing it at least once a day since they found him on that boat. 

It was as if for a few long seconds Nick was forgetting to breathe..and if Ellie was honest with herself it was starting to scare her. She knew even after his talks with Jack he wasn't a hundred percent but..

“You keep doing that.” She found herself whispering.

“Doing what?”

“This sudden exhale of breath as if you keep forgetting to breathe.” 

“What? No I don't-”

Ellie grabbed his hands, looking him in the eye. His eyes that had lost that mischievous spark in them. “Nick, don't lie to me.”

He closed his eyes for a few seconds before looking right at her. “It'll go away.”

“It's called anxiety Nick, and it's not just gonna go away.” 

Swallowing roughly, he looked up at the ceiling as if gathering his thoughts. She didn't say a word. 

Letting out a shuddering breath that was different from the others he looked at her, it was as if every mask he had on his face dropped. Ellie had this sick feeling as she saw it all. Pain, hurt, exhaustion, worn, fear. 

“Ellie..” His voice cracked. 

Her hands squeezed his. 

“I'm- I'm not okay.” 

“Nick..” Ellie said in almost a whimper, worry and hurt  _ for him _ filled her. She wrapped her arms around him again, he seemed to melt into her embrace. 

His body shook slightly even though no tears escaped. Her grip on him tightened as he slowly started coming undone in her arms. 

“It'll be okay.” She whispered. “We'll figure it out together, okay?”

He nodded against her, his face hidden in her neck and hair. They stood there wrapped around each other as if her hold was the only thing holding him together at that moment. 

Ellie rubbed her hand along his back, whispering that he'd be okay over and over until finally he was holding himself enough for her to lead him by the hand to his jeep, she'd grab her's later, and to his apartment where she spent the night with him curled around her. 

In the morning as she handed him his mug of coffee, she placed a soft kiss on his lips.

“I have all the faith in you that you'll be okay, you know that right?” She said softly. 

Nick cupped her cheek, resting his forehead against hers. “Yes.”


End file.
